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INVISIBLE? By Kurt W. Franke
I wish I could be invisible. If I were invisible I’d be the happiest guy in the world. Unfortunately I can’t possibly be invisible. When I walk into a room full of people, I’m noticed within minutes and a great deal of attention is cast upon me. Of course what I’m talking about here is me being noticed for my difference in physicality. I look different than most people because I carry my right arm in a hemi-plegic black sling. This elicits allot of attention, to say the least. I spend much time thinking about encountering the common public and what strange and uncomfortable situation I’ll next be confronted with directly because of the way I look. Wearing a coat on a cold day makes me feel better about meeting and seeing everyday people. This is because a coat hides my body and therefore doesn’t attract all the unwelcome attention I so disdain. Invisible? Impossible. In terms of physically looking different than the majority of society, if you look different, than you are different. To think of somehow hiding or hopefully blending into the “woodwork” is positively impossible. Both psychologically and physically, there is no way to feel as though you are somehow invisible. I know through living with severe disability for many years, my way of thinking is much different than those around me. My interpretations of the circumstances of life are totally different than those of people with whom I usually speak. Within these personal social parameters, how can I expect to feel regular and therefore not attract attention to myself from everyone who sees me? Both in my head and body I’ll always stand out amongst “regular” people. Wearing a coat, which hides my right arm, will not hide my eyes and my expressions as I speak to able-bodied people. They see what my spirit holds by looking into my eyes. For me to ever think of being regular is positively just a hope within a dream. I’ll never be able to hide the feelings that make me what I am. Those around me recognize these deep inner emotions through very personal expressions and mannerisms created by the profoundness of the disability experience. All the years of terror will always be there to be seen no matter how well I think it’s been hidden. It shows through every word that I speak and every tilt of my head. This malady can’t be concealed no matter how hard I try. The only way I’ve achieved invisibility is in social gatherings where people pay me no attention and discount what I say as that of a disturbed cripple who knows nothing about anything. They glance towards me and then turn away to continue their conversation with other people with no regard for me as a normal person with feelings. Is that being invisible? When those with whom you speak don’t “see” you? While knowing this and still trying to keep my dignity, I now must watch people’s guilt about my condition. Then, in attempting to make themselves feel better after somewhat realizing their behavior, they patronizingly offer themselves to me in their own atonement. The sickening mixture of guilt, fear and suspicion caused by my presence makes me not to want to be with these “friends”. How disappointing and hurtful it has been for me to see this dreary concept materialize with people who I thought cared for me. Yes, they are still my friends, but my place amongst these “friends” is through an invisible presence unwittingly ascribed to me from strangers and friends alike. The only real way to be invisible is never to be seen. That, of course is very difficult to accomplish if you’re not living on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere. What happens though, is that people who feel and look different than the rest of society begin to shy away from friends, occasions and parties to avoid being gawked at with rude, undue attention. Certainly if I physically looked the same as other people and felt accordingly regular, I’d be going to every party and gathering I was invited to. This is a big price to pay on top of all that a severe physical disability brings with it. Now, I disturbingly see that my social fitness is disabled as well. It seems the only peace of mind I get is when I’m totally alone: When I know for sure that no one is watching me askance or leering from afar. I know then, I can be myself and no one will see me. Finally, I’m invisible.
All Rights Reserved 2004 Kurt W. Franke
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