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Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes! Jokes!

disABLEDperson Inc. welcomes you to our new Jokes page. Do you have a joke that you want to share with our community. Simply send the joke to disabledpersons@aol.com in the body of an email and we will publish it. The jokes need to be clean, no profanity or sex please. Enjoy this new page! Diana Corso

A man went out hunting early one bright Saturday morning. Suddenly, he saw a Grizzly bear, so he ran and climbed the tallest tree he could find. When he got as far as he could climb, he said, "Oh, Lord, please let this be a 'Christian' bear"! Immediately, he heard the bear say, "Thank you Lord for this food I'm about to receive".

A little old lady came home to find her precious old dog dead, as stiff as a board. She dropped everything and hurried to the vet's office. She laid him on the examining table but the vet could see that her dear friend was 'gone' and told her so. She refused to except this and told him to do every test he knew to make her beloved dog better. He drew blood (which wasn't easy since it was stiff as a board), took x-ray's, tissue samples and everything he could think of, but his findings were still that the dog was dead. He handed her a bill of $50. She said, "I refuse to believe that. Surely, there's something else you can do, isn't there"? So the doctor said, "Okay, I have one more machine in the back. I'll go and get it". He went back and rummaged around, making a lot of noise. While he was back there, a big calico tom cat strolled into the room and jumped up on the table. At first, he hissed and hunched his back, but he noticed that the dog wasn't moving. So the cat got brave, walked up to the dog and batted at it's ear, sniffed the dog's snout, bit it's tail and finally fell asleep there. The vet came back and said, "I'm so sorry ma'am, but your poor doggy is dead. Here is your bill". The Little old lady said, "Wait, this bill is for $350! I thought it was just $50". The vet said," the $300 extra was for the 'CAT' scan!"
 

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?

A last name

Conversation between George W. and his Secretary of State, Condolezza Rice:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Funny! I never could before!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

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